Life has been a whirlwind. I’m not sure what made me pause and decide to blog about this. I don’t feel like dealing with Instagram, finding the right angle, or worrying about a photo or video—at least not right now.
Four years ago, at this exact time, I was in the hospital, experiencing a loss. My daughter, Genesis, was born on November 5th. I had already been in the hospital, even in the ICU, for three weeks before she arrived. Each year around this time, I find myself remembering the chaos of that hospital stay—how alone, scared, and worried I felt. I wonder how she would be as a four-year-old. What kind of birthday party would I be planning for her? Paw Patrol? Barbie?
Usually, I mourn the reality that I’ll never get to experience that. This time, though, I’m dealing with those feelings alongside my chronic illness and the progression of my kidney disease. I knew this time would come eventually, but I didn’t know when. Now, it’s here—a new chapter of my life, waiting for a kidney transplant.
I thought blogging my experience might actually help with my mental health, allowing me to share my story as a way to educate others and create a space to discuss chronic illness, while also exploring my creative side. I’ve missed blogging so much. I can’t promise a regular posting schedule, but I can promise that my thoughts will be here.
Recently, I had a catheter placed to start dialysis. I’m not ready to make videos about this yet; truthfully, I’m still adjusting day by day.
Preparing to start dialysis feels like entering another world. My daily routine is changing, and it’s hard to predict how I’ll feel on any given day. Some days, it’s just about survival—pushing through fatigue and adjusting to this new reality. Other days, I feel hopeful, reminding myself that this is a step toward better health, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.
I look down and see this plastic tube hanging out of my stomach, wondering, How long will I have to do this? This is uncharted territory for me, and I’m just taking it day by day. A typical day involves battling fatigue from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. It’s gotten better over time, but, wow… I’m always tired!
The biggest lesson in all of this has been realizing how blessed I am to have my family, both related and chosen, there for me. I felt a sense of relief once I let go of control and allowed people to take care of me. Why did I resist this my whole life? It’s actually kind of nice here! I’m still independent at heart, but learning to rest has been my biggest flex.
This illness has forced me to prioritize myself because time becomes incredibly precious when you’re always tired. It’s also shown me that most of the things I used to stress over weren’t worth it in the end. Well, therapy helped me reach that realization too. Therapy has been so important in shaping my outlook on this illness. I won’t say I’m not afraid—I definitely am—but my goal has been to stay as optimistic as possible given the circumstances.
I know I’m not alone in this journey, and that’s why I want to share my story. Maybe someone out there reading this will feel a little less alone or find a bit of comfort. Chronic illness can be incredibly isolating, but I want to create a space where we can support each other, even if it’s just through shared stories.
In the meantime, I’m giving myself permission to go slow, to rest when I need to, and to show up here as honestly as I can. This is a new chapter, and while I don’t know exactly what it will look like, I’m choosing to keep moving forward.
As I move forward, I’ll be sharing more of this journey here—both the highs and lows—and, when I’m feeling up to it, pieces of my creative side too. This space is a way for me to process, connect, and hopefully encourage others who might be on a similar path. I may not always have the energy to post, but when I do, I promise to show up as authentically as I can. Thank you for being here with me as I navigate this new chapter.
Your Girl
Elle
